Wish I Could

I beg to find repentance in the crutch of your words
So close to you but far enough to ache
There are so many things I long to tell you
But the silence makes this easier to take;
I wonder how long you’ll stay around
Until your heart discovers deeper love
I wonder if you’ll think of me
When she gives you all the things I can’t give up.
Counting down the days instead of making memories
I wish I could believe you
I wish you were here.

Nothing Left

A step away from happiness but all I feel is loneliness
A feeling you will leave any day;
A moment frozen within my mind
Not too soon to rewind time and reminisce on the memory of me and you.
I reach for the surface towards the exterior of this core
Dangling on the fact that you may require more;
I am useless to you although I am needed
Surrounding me with words that have more meaning,
My thoughts of inhibition rise to the surface
And I am simply too much to exude.
Are the words you write simply that?
Words and only words
No emotion
No dedication
No feeling behind the feelings;
No depth to fill the hollowness within me.
You’ll leave me be
I’ll let you see, the girl I have become without you.
My heart won’t heal
These wounds won’t fade
Nothing left to paralyze me.

Tiny

I hold the world in my hands as they stare to the core within me.
I feel the weight of their souls upon me and I am terrified I will let them down.
Collide into the trenches within my being.
You're the reason I evaporate.
The eyes that judge me are the eyes that destroy me and I cry in shades of discontentment.
Is there another who sees me for me, another who knows the depth of pain I feel?
Another who aches
Another who exists alone
I listen without hearing and speak without talking.
I see you but you don't see me.
I feel you but I don't know you.
My tiny hands follow the lines along your face.
I am content but I am shallow, needing only words of solace.
Permit me to execute
As my heart breaks into pieces
Tiny shades of diligence that remain faithful in my heartaches.

Cupcakes

I miss you as often as the sunsets and think about you even more. If there is a way to exist in this moment, I am content on remaining here. So many times I have never imagined there a greater feeling than this and though we're not together, I find it hard to detach myself from you. It is absurd but it is the only thing I can think about and it drives me mad. Perhaps you're not thinking of me, perhaps you are. She makes you moan. I make you cupcakes.
You are beautiful, completely and whole, and I cannot do anything but think of you.

New beginning or craving an ending?

At this moment I should be happy about the outcome of my life, happy about the choices I have made, happy that I have pieces of the puzzle almost back to normal but instead of happiness, I find myself overcome with insecurity. I haven't even began the new year and I already dread it.
I can't believe I am here, at this moment, because of the same emotions I had last year.
Because of the same longing and the same desire.
I crave to be needed but I never devour it. I always desire from another and another and another until I am no longer sure what I am doing.
I will be okay at figuring this out, at reworking and redoing, but right now my heart is still in a fragile state and every action I do has repercussions for the heart I didn't want.
I need to write every day like I did years, just to clear my mind. I believe I have Writers Block, however, and it may take an enormous effort to get back to where I was.
I will do it though, one day at a time, I will discover whom I am and the purpose of my existence.
-R

Whole again

I haven't had a lot to say lately. I've only recently decided to pick up where I left off. I still have several questions which remain unanswered but I am steadily moving forward to gain the correct feel of things.
In May, my house, as well as everything I own, was washed away in a flood. While I was grieving, many people were taking pictures and posting them as though it was something everyone who experienced it wanted to remember. Photographers offered photos, not help. Friends offered pity, not help and while most were complaining that their coffee wasn't hot enough, flood victims were wondering if they would ever have a place to drink their coffee again.
Three months later and it's still all we think about.
I am not sure if the hole in out hearts will go away but I am sure we will find something, in time, that makes us whole again.
I bought many notebooks, many journals, many dictionaries, in the hopes of getting back to where I left off. I try to remember some of what I had written, what I said or spoke, but it doesn't come back to me. I only see nothing, I only hear nothing. My journals are still blank. My notebooks have not been open. My dictionary's binding has not been broken yet I still exist. I didn't think it would be possible for me to survive without words but somehow, I have.
Maybe it is time I find something I deem more useful, something that truly helps me get through the day.
Until then, this is all I have.
♥

latitude or longitude

I am not sure I remember which way is up and which way is down anymore.
Until I figure it out, I am taking a break.
From life, from love, from writing.
Thanks for nothing and everything all at once. You'll never know the depth of my gratitude.
R